I can openly admit, I’m jealous of all of the things cancer has taken from me. I often wonder if other people in my situation feel the same way.
I was scrolling through facebook earlier, and saw a post from the young couple who bought our first home from us last summer. I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer when we decided to put the house on the market. Steven and I had decided that I’d need a newer, updated house with a fenced in yard for our 75 pound dog while undergoing chemotherapy since Steven frequently travels for work.
Our town is a seller’s market, where houses receive multiple offers. We received a letter from a young couple that they submitted with their offer, telling us how much they loved our house and couldn’t wait to start a family in it. The letter actually upset me, because that’s exactly what Steven and I had wanted. We bought that home with starting a family in mind, and had written a similar letter to the previous owners when we bought it. Now, our lives had been turned upside down and we knew that would never happen in our first home.
Anyway, this young couple announced today via facebook that they are expecting their first baby. I’m not sure why, but I immediately felt jealous. That had been our house, that had been our plan, and now they were living there decorating their nursery (bet it’s the back bedroom, which is perfect for a nursery) while I’m battling terminal brain cancer. It’s not this young couple’s fault – so why do I feel such jealousy towards them? Has my cancer diagnosis made me that spiteful? Am I just trying to blame anyone I can for what’s happened to my life?
And it’s not just young couples starting families that I’m jealous of. I’m jealous of people my age who are excelling in their careers while I can’t even work. I was always very career-oriented before all of this started.
I’m jealous of people whose biggest problems in life are that their cars aren’t working, or that they had a falling out with a best friend. Sure, those are problems and it might seem like the end of the world, but you can move on from those problems. You can’t move on from terminal cancer.
I just lost my aunt to ovarian cancer last week. Another loss to cancer. I was very close to her, and miss her so much. She was the kindest, most unselfish person I knew, and I wish I had asked her about her thoughts on this. I don’t think she was jealous of anyone. I think she was happy with the life she had, and loved her friends and family. I need to learn how to be more like her, and care less about the things I can never have. I hate feeling jealous of others, because it’s not their fault I have this cancer diagnosis. But I can’t shake this jealousy. Does anyone else feel the same way?
Thanks for reading/letting me vent.
4 thoughts on “Dealing with Jealousy”
I completely understand. I can see why you would get jealous. It’s a very crappy situation to be in. I hate it for myself and more so for my family. I hate it for you. I would say it just makes me feel a general sadness. I’m saddened by what cancer has taken from me and my family. I try to remember that nobody exactly knows their true future. Who knows we may be the exception. 💜💜💜
I hope we are the exception! That’s a big piece too – cancer hasn’t just taken these things from us, it’s taken things from our friends and family too. 😦
I too deal with jealousy. I am jealous of those who have their Moms. I am jealous of those who get to have a brand new house, car and no care in the world. I am jealous of those who just have babies and are not dealing with miscarriage or loss. I always think I am a little spiteful and full of jealousy, because my husband and I are always trying to do things the right way and constantly get knocked down. We don’t deserve it. Neither do they, but why us? I have asked myself, “why me?” on several occasions this past year. Its not fair, but we have to keep fighting. There isn’t any other choice I guess. I could sit in bed all day and be depressed or I can get up and keep going and lead by example. I choose the latter because I need to inspire others that no matter what life throws my way I would conquer it. Keep inspiring Becca, you have a gift of sharing your story with others.
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I feel that way a lot, too. Thanks for sharing. I agree, we need to keep going – even when it’s really, really hard. Thanks for your thoughtful comment!